


We'll Never Speak of This

by enemy_xands



Category: Disney - All Media Types, Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Body Swap, Community: disney_kink, F/M, Kink Meme, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-02
Updated: 2011-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-18 21:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enemy_xands/pseuds/enemy_xands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This machine hit our machine, exploded, stuff interfered with each other, and now the whole city may or may not be under the influence of the scientific equivalent of ganja.” Perry and Candace switch bodies again thanks to science, but Perry--er, Candace?--has to deal with a very different set of problems when he encounters Doofenshmirtz...again</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Never Speak of This

**Author's Note:**

> Written for disney_kink prompt, now with more edits & less unsightly typos. And so long as I live I'll never feel bad for writing this. EVER.

Perry was trapped in Candace’s body. Again. Well, he’d been turned into an acorn earlier that week so this was an improvement. It definitely wouldn’t be the last strange thing to happen to him this month. Doofenshmirtz had apparently mixed up his blueprints again and gotten a hold of the body swapping machine Phineas and Ferb had built a few months ago—except he managed to botch it, somehow. And because nothing can ever just go _wrong_ in this place, Doofenshmirtz had messed things up on a huge scale.

It happened that morning. Perry was sleeping in at the foot of Candace’s bed, again, because it was the closest he would ever get to a vacation. She hated him but he didn’t really hate her, plus she had the fluffiest, softest bed in the house and didn’t try to play soccer with him in her sleep like Phineas. Before either of them could wake up though, a small sound resonated through the house and suddenly Perry found himself staring at the ceiling. When he moved, red hair floated into his face, and he realized one of his hands was in a compromising situation under the covers… yeah, he was Candace again.

He kicked the platypus—er, himself? Candace?—at the foot of the bed and Candace jolted awake. She took one look at Perry…er, Candace—Perry in Candace’s body, looked at herself, and slapped her forehead with an angry fin.

“Great, now I’m a milk-sweating, smelly platypus AGAIN! Phineas! Ferb! You’re gonna pay!”

Candace the Platypus ran out of the room wailing. Perry sat on the bed, staring blankly. He felt like he was in a demented cartoon world at times.

~~~~

Candace ran into the garage where she saw her brothers standing in front of what looked like the charred remains of their latest experiment. To say nothing of the satellite dish poking through the ceiling on top of said remains.

“Phineas! Your stupid machine turned me into a platypus again!”

“Oh hey Canda—whoa. That was unexpected.”

“What do you mean unexpected?” Candace crossed her arms indignantly. “Didn’t you build the body…transfer thingamajig again?”

“Um, no. See, we actually built a happiness machine that put people in a sort of simulation that made them completely zen and happy. Ferb was calling it a ‘mellow mushroom’ right?”

“It looked closer the restaurant,” Ferb agreed. Candace stared blankly.

“Ookay, then how did I get turned into a platypus? And why is the…mellow thing broken?”

“Um, well, Ferb and I were just about to test the machine out when this satellite crashed into it. And you’ll never guess what was attached! The old body swapping machine! And… I guess the waves from that machine…”

Candace blocked out all the technobabble and sighed. Maybe this go around in Perry’s body would be as horrifically awkward as the last time; at least Jeremy wasn’t coming over and she didn’t risk the chance of being seen like this, all she had to do was bust the boys THIS time and—

Phineas was looking patiently through strangely glossy eyes at Candace, signaling that he was finished. But Candace raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Ferb, translation?”

“This machine hit our machine, exploded, stuff interfered with each other, and now the whole city may or may not be under the influence of the scientific equivalent of ganja.”

Candace’s face dropped in shock. “…Wow. Really?”

Phineas shrugged. “Yeah, basically. It manifests itself in different ways, like Ferb here getting snippy—”

“I’m NOT snippy—”

“And I feel kind of… floaty right now, and apparently you turned into a platypus again. Which means that Perry must be… you. I never realized how trippy some of this is sometimes, you know?”

“Oh my god, I feel like I’m in a bad fanfiction plot!” Candace yelled in frustration. “Okay, you can at least turn me back, right?”

“Sure, right after we get the machine fixed up,” Phineas called as he and Ferb clamored over the wrecked satellite to start repairs. “And find Perry of course.”

“Great.” Candace groaned. “But wait, if everyone is supposed to be feeling all floaty and happy, why am I decidedly not?”

“I dunno. Maybe it doesn’t effect platypii? Er, platypuses.”

“Or maybe _you_ are feeling it,” Ferb offered cryptically. Candace and Phineas looked at him in surprise.

“Oh I get it! That’s a good point Ferb my man—but I wonder how Perry is taking it?”

~~~

As it turned out, not well.

Perry liked to consider himself observant when things were a little off, especially when “off” in this town meant “something horribly, terribly wrong”. So when he finally got down the suddenly tight chute and landed in his chair to see Agent Monogram blowing bubbles and Carl apparently laughing on the floor, he quirked an eyebrow.

When they realized he was there, M and Carl abruptly stopped their activities, Agent M blushing heavily and somewhat bemusedly. “Alright, so that wasn’t even the strangest thing you’ve seen us doing.”

He had a point. Perry—er, Candace?—shuddered.

“Er, right. Agent P, you may have noticed people acting strangely around town—love the new hairdo by the way—and just today Doofenshmirtz crashed a satellite in your area and we’re pretty sure it’s all connected somehow, so go have a look at it!”

Perry saluted stiffly and dashed to his scooter. He puttered off towards Doofenshmirtz’s offices, following the sound of the inexplicable jingle that played when he was near it. As he approached, Perry thought he felt a little…strange. He didn’t remember much from the short time he spent in Candace’s body the last time but he remembered being in full control. Now, not so much. He was a little lightheaded and had to repress the urge to giggle at the huge, purple garish building. He leaped off the scooter and rushed the front door, ignoring the receptionist juggling at her desk. Perry dashed into the elevator and waited for it to go to the top floor conveniently marked with a big D.

The elevator doors opened and Perry immediately noticed… nothing. Silence. Doof was standing in front of a broken window muttering to himself. Could it really be this easy… or was it just another ill-planned trap? Perry dropped into an audible combat crouch just in time for Doofenshmirtz to whirl around.

“I have no idea how it even—PERRY THE… teenage girl? Again? Is this a regular thing for you now? Not that I’m judging or anything—”

Perry wasted no time and launched himself into a high kick, straight for Doof’s face only—

To be expertly blocked. Perry blinked in shock and tried a punch, only to be blocked again. Another kick and Doof parried, grabbing Perry’s wrist and pinning him—er, Candace?—against the wall with both arms restrained behind his back. First the body swap, now Doofenshmirtz was a competent fighter—what else was going to go wrong today? Oh wait, he knew. The more he squirmed against Doofenshmirtz the more an unfamiliar heat spread through his stomach. It made him weak in the knees and suddenly damp between his—er, Candace’s?—thighs. That’s what else was going to go wrong.

“Now wait a minute—stop squirming and listen for a minute alright? I know what you’re thinking, and yeah the satellite WAS intended to be evil, but I think I set something off wrong and it just kind of…flew off and exploded. I was going to build something else but I just suddenly didn’t feel like it, you know? You know, you look nice when you cross-dress, did I ever tell you that?”

Perry blushed and finally stopped struggling. Doofenshmirtz let him go and Perry wriggled around until they were facing each other, and Perry felt very strange but he knew how to handle it. Or Candace did. Or maybe both.

“Uhh why are you looking at me like tha—um, you’re hand’s on my—hey!”

Perry smirked and tacked his nemesis. While Doof flailed, Perry deftly unzipped his pants and pushed them down, revealing the curious platypus print underwear. He shrugged and pulled the already stiffening, slender but long cock out and began working it with his hands, looking up when he realized the mad scientist had stopped flailing and was moaning most unbecomingly. Perry grinned and dropped between the sickly pale legs and began sucking.

“I’m not even going to ask how a platypus in a girl’s body knows how to do this,” Doof said, followed by a yelp when Perry pinched his nipple. He groaned again when the warm, wet mouth abruptly stopped and Perry sat up and removed his shirt, followed by his skirt. A second set of hands landed on his hips to push down the cute stripey panties as Perry worked to remove the bra. He felt himself up for a minute, squeezing the soft, pink nipples and running his hands over the small but youthfully round breasts, moaning in a way that sounded foreign to him. Doof’s hands took over, one still fondling the heaving chest and the other hand trailing down to finger the soft folds of his—er, Candace’s?—sex. Perry was already wet and hot; Doofenshmirtz rolled the clit between his fingers to elicit a sharp cry.

Perry pushed Doof’s hands aside and pinned them flat on the ground. Doof started to protest but was silenced by Perry impulsively impaling himself on Doof’s cock. It hurt so much that he stopped for a moment, realizing he never took into account that Candace may have been a virgin (or, you know, saving herself) in his lust. Well _that_ was over.

“Um, are you alright?” Doofenshmirtz asked. Perry simply nodded wordlessly and began moving up and down, slowly. It still hurt but it was fading a little with each thrust, and soon he was working recklessly, sweating human sweat and the body that wasn’t his own was alive and electric with pleasure. He squeezed down on Doof’s wrists and began sputtering a little in the throes of his oncoming orgasm. Then Doof tensed and arched his back from the ground, thrusting upwards and hitting Perry’s/Candace’s spot and came; Perry jerked and convulsed a little more, hoarsely crying out as wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure rolled over him. He slumped down until his forehead was meeting Doofenshmirtz’s and they panted together.

“You know,” Doof said breathlessly. “There…is so much wrong with this…but I’m feeling alright about it if you are, you know?”

Perry nodded.

“But if this ever gets out to anyone we’re so—”

~~~

“Totally screwed,” Candace said flatly. Of course no one in the house listened to her anyway, but today was even worse. After failing to bust her brothers she slinked back into the backyard only to see Phineas and Ferb uncharacteristically slumped under a tree. She waddled over to them and stood in her—er, Perry’s?—hind legs indignantly.

“Phineas! Ferb! What are you doing? I thought you were going to fix the machine!”

“Yeah, we were, but I’m tired and I was getting sick of Ferb’s attitude over here.”

“I do NOT have an attitude!” Ferb snapped. Phineas cast an aside glance.

“Y’see what I mean?”

“Oh my god, both of you! Get it together and—you know what, never mind, these things usually work themselves out anyway.”

Defeated, Candace joined the boys under the tree and curled up into a little platypus ball under Phineas’s arm.

“Maybe… maybe this is fate, y’know? Maybe it’s meant to be like this…like…it’s all cosmically aligned.”

“Phineas, I’d hate to see you on actual pot.”

“Hey guys! What’cha dooooin’?”

Phineas looked up and to his surprise did not see Isabella, but Baljeet. And what’s more, Baljeet without his personal bully/bodyguard Buford. Baljeet walked into the yard, or rather, zig-zagged. His usual lilting voice was even more sing-song than usual as if he might burst out into triumphant chorus any time now.

“Oh hey Baljeet. Feelin’ good, soakin’ up rays, trying to turn Candace back into a human. What’s up with you?”

“Body changing machine again? Didn’t you already try that and it ended up just like this?” Baljeet asked skeptically. Phineas shrugged.

“Well, this time something crashed into the happiness machine we were actually making and then it exploded and sent out waves of… well happiness. We were gonna fix the machine but Ferb--”

“Don’t. Say it.”

“See what I mean?”

Baljeet rubbed his chin and wandered into the garage. He vanished for a few minutes, made a victory noise then popped his head back outside again, laughing. “Oh you guys, looks like you had your charts upside down again, messing with your data! I fixed it, of course.”

“KNEW IT!” Phineas and Ferb exclaimed at each other, in unison. Baljeet fairly waltzed out of the garage and picked Candace the Platypus up, then went back inside to the newly fixed body-swapping-satellite-cheese-destruct-inator machine.

“But you still need Perry,” Baljeet noted. “Er, Candace? Yeah.”

“Great but how are we gonna—”

Just then a scooter pulled up into the yard and Candace—er, Perry dismounted, adjusting his clothes and blushing faintly. He wandered into the backyard and was suddenly grabbed by his sore wrists by his suddenly smaller owner and dragged into the garage.

“Okay, let’s do this!”

Baljeet flipped a switch and there was another faint noise followed by a flash of light, and Candace slumped over in own body again. Baljeet sniffed the air and frowned.

“Smells like cheese, but it should have worked.”

“It did! I’m me again! But… I feel weird—why am I—Perry what did you DO?”

Perry only growled in response. Phineas picked him up and petted his coarse fur, leading Ferb and Baljeet into the backyard again and leaving a stuttering, confused Candace behind.

“Well, it’ll take maybe a day for the effects of our ill-fated happiness machine to finally wear off, not that I mind or anything. As long as Ferb doesn’t—never mind. So Perry, where’d you go today buddy?”

Perry merely curled himself up over his stubby platypus legs and growled so softly it sounded like a pleased purr.


End file.
